I don't like your outfit
Him: You look like a teacher who has been working for 40 years and has given up.
Her: Shut up! I'm sick and wanted to feel comfortable!
The Sarcastics
She: Did you hear there was a 50-60 pile-up on the 401 near Oshawa?
He: No! What happened?
She: Oh, there's this new thing...I dunno if you've heard of it. It's called...snow?
He: No, I've never heard of that. What's it like?
She: Well, it makes it really easy to drive, so you can drive fast.
He: Ohhh, I know what you're talking about. It's sticky, right?
She: Yeah...
He: Yeah, so it makes you tires really grip the road.
She: Exactly. And it almost makes visibility clearer than usual. You can see really far when it's happening.
He: I think I also heard that it makes people step out in front of your car because they know it's super easy for you to stop.
She: That's right. It also means that you can drive extra close to the car in front of you.
He: Right. Tailgating. So when does it happen?
She: In the summertime, I believe. When it's hot.
He: Interesting.
Grumpy. Old. French.
Grumpy old French man: [announcement on train re delay due to mechanical problems] Can you believe it? They only figure that out after we start going? That's what's wrong with this province. Quebec is full of retard people. Colisse de tabernacles this is unbelievable. Goddamn unbelievable.
Real talk
Esthetician: My therapist told me to talk to my cat.
Client: Oh yeah?
Esthetician: Yeh, you know, for when things get hard. It's supposed to take the edge off.
Why we celebrate Christmas
Kid: Mama, why do we celebrate Christmas?
Ma: Well...[big sigh] Originally, it was to celebrate the birth of Christ. That's Jesus. The first part of 'Christmas' is actually Christ. But now, it's more about getting together with your family, eating, and giving presents.
Kid: But why do we celebrate the birth of Jee...Jesus?
Ma: Well, we don't, but people who follow that religion do. They believe that he is the leader and so his birthday is celebrated because it was a big deal.
Kid: Oh.
Ashes to ashes
Lady on streetcar: Oh look, there's one of them walls where they put people's ashes after they've been cremated. We had my dad cremated, but we just laid his ashes down by my mother's feet.
Love hurt$
She: I backed out of the bachelorette after I found out it would cost me $100.
He: For that price, the male stripper better talk about his feelings and do the dishes.
Cannonball
Kid1: Hey, remember when we went in the garage and smoked that giant cannon?
Kid2: Oh yeah, man, that was AWESOME.
