The N Word
Listening to Nile Séguin comedic imitation of a motivational speaker:
Nile: ...c'mon, you're all winners, let's do a winner cheer. Gimme an 'N'!
Nile: Gimme an 'I'!
Nile: Gimme a 'G'!
Nile: Gimme a 'G'!
Nile: Gimme an 'E'!
Nile: Gimme an 'R'!
Audience: [awkwardly] R...
Nile: What does that spell?
Audience: [embarrassed laughter]
Kid: Nigger? What does that mean?
Mother: [dying inside]
So...what are you?
Kid: At pizza lunch, K's dad was giving out pizza and he said my name. V's mom was there and showed him who I was. When I went up, he asked me if Nico was short for something.
Mum: And what did you say?
Kid: I said no. Then he asked where I was from.
Mum: And what did you answer?
Kid: I said Canada!
Mum: That's the right answer. Have you ever been asked that before?
Kid: No. Well, this other time, this grade 6 girl said that I was very pretty, then asked what my background is.
Mum: And what did you say to that?
Kid: Nothing. I didn't know what background is.
Mum: You should have looked behind you and said, umm, the playground?
Mum: Sometimes, when people say to me, where are you from? I say, Toronto. And then they say, no, where are you REALLY from? And I say, Ottawa.
Mum: People will probably say this to you: Are you...?
Kid: They mean mixed.
Mum: Yeah, but what you can say when they say that is something like, Am I...going to play on the monkey bars? Yes, I am!
Kid: Hee hee hee
Mum: They don't mean to be rude and I guess it isn't, really, but it's kind of weird. If someone asks you stuff like that, you should just ask it back so they know how it feels.
I don't like your outfit
Him: You look like a teacher who has been working for 40 years and has given up.
Her: Shut up! I'm sick and wanted to feel comfortable!
She: Did you hear there was a 50-60 pile-up on the 401 near Oshawa?
He: No! What happened?
She: Oh, there's this new thing...I dunno if you've heard of it. It's called...snow?
He: No, I've never heard of that. What's it like?
She: Well, it makes it really easy to drive, so you can drive fast.
He: Ohhh, I know what you're talking about. It's sticky, right?
He: Yeah, so it makes you tires really grip the road.
She: Exactly. And it almost makes visibility clearer than usual. You can see really far when it's happening.
He: I think I also heard that it makes people step out in front of your car because they know it's super easy for you to stop.
She: That's right. It also means that you can drive extra close to the car in front of you.
He: Right. Tailgating. So when does it happen?
She: In the summertime, I believe. When it's hot.
Grumpy. Old. French.
Grumpy old French man: [announcement on train re delay due to mechanical problems] Can you believe it? They only figure that out after we start going? That's what's wrong with this province. Quebec is full of retard people. Colisse de tabernacles this is unbelievable. Goddamn unbelievable.
Esthetician: My therapist told me to talk to my cat.
Client: Oh yeah?
Esthetician: Yeh, you know, for when things get hard. It's supposed to take the edge off.
Why we celebrate Christmas
Kid: Mama, why do we celebrate Christmas?
Ma: Well...[big sigh] Originally, it was to celebrate the birth of Christ. That's Jesus. The first part of 'Christmas' is actually Christ. But now, it's more about getting together with your family, eating, and giving presents.
Kid: But why do we celebrate the birth of Jee...Jesus?
Ma: Well, we don't, but people who follow that religion do. They believe that he is the leader and so his birthday is celebrated because it was a big deal.
Ashes to ashes
Lady on streetcar: Oh look, there's one of them walls where they put people's ashes after they've been cremated. We had my dad cremated, but we just laid his ashes down by my mother's feet.
Ice Cream Flavour Idea
Guy: "...mustard-flavoured ice cream."