Conversations I've heard, been in, or made up

December 25, 2013 at 8:19pm

2 notes

November 16, 2013 at 3:39pm

1 note

The N Word

Listening to Nile Séguin comedic imitation of a motivational speaker:
Nile: ...c'mon, you're all winners, let's do a winner cheer. Gimme an 'N'!
Audience: N!
Nile: Gimme an 'I'!
Audience: I!
Nile: Gimme a 'G'!
Audience: G!
Nile: Gimme a 'G'!
Audience: G!
Nile: Gimme an 'E'!
Audience: E.
Nile: Gimme an 'R'!
Audience: [awkwardly] R...
Nile: What does that spell?
Audience: [embarrassed laughter]
Kid: Nigger? What does that mean?
Mother: [dying inside]

June 13, 2013 at 11:07pm

1 note

So...what are you?

Kid: At pizza lunch, K's dad was giving out pizza and he said my name. V's mom was there and showed him who I was. When I went up, he asked me if Nico was short for something.
Mum: And what did you say?
Kid: I said no. Then he asked where I was from.
Mum: And what did you answer?
Kid: I said Canada!
Mum: That's the right answer. Have you ever been asked that before?
Kid: No. Well, this other time, this grade 6 girl said that I was very pretty, then asked what my background is.
Mum: And what did you say to that?
Kid: Nothing. I didn't know what background is.
Mum: You should have looked behind you and said, umm, the playground?
Kid: Haha
Mum: Sometimes, when people say to me, where are you from? I say, Toronto. And then they say, no, where are you REALLY from? And I say, Ottawa.
Kid: Hahaha
Mum: People will probably say this to you: Are you...?
Kid: They mean mixed.
Mum: Yeah, but what you can say when they say that is something like, Am I...going to play on the monkey bars? Yes, I am!
Kid: Hee hee hee
Mum: They don't mean to be rude and I guess it isn't, really, but it's kind of weird. If someone asks you stuff like that, you should just ask it back so they know how it feels.
Kid: OK.

March 8, 2013 at 7:17am

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I don't like your outfit

Him: You look like a teacher who has been working for 40 years and has given up.
Her: Shut up! I'm sick and wanted to feel comfortable!

January 25, 2013 at 7:30pm

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The Sarcastics

She: Did you hear there was a 50-60 pile-up on the 401 near Oshawa?
He: No! What happened?
She: Oh, there's this new thing...I dunno if you've heard of it. It's called...snow?
He: No, I've never heard of that. What's it like?
She: Well, it makes it really easy to drive, so you can drive fast.
He: Ohhh, I know what you're talking about. It's sticky, right?
She: Yeah...
He: Yeah, so it makes you tires really grip the road.
She: Exactly. And it almost makes visibility clearer than usual. You can see really far when it's happening.
He: I think I also heard that it makes people step out in front of your car because they know it's super easy for you to stop.
She: That's right. It also means that you can drive extra close to the car in front of you.
He: Right. Tailgating. So when does it happen?
She: In the summertime, I believe. When it's hot.
He: Interesting.

December 29, 2012 at 2:46pm

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Grumpy. Old. French.

Grumpy old French man: [announcement on train re delay due to mechanical problems] Can you believe it? They only figure that out after we start going? That's what's wrong with this province. Quebec is full of retard people. Colisse de tabernacles this is unbelievable. Goddamn unbelievable.

December 18, 2012 at 1:12pm

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Real talk

Esthetician: My therapist told me to talk to my cat.
Client: Oh yeah?
Esthetician: Yeh, you know, for when things get hard. It's supposed to take the edge off.

December 16, 2012 at 12:32pm

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Why we celebrate Christmas

Kid: Mama, why do we celebrate Christmas?
Ma: Well...[big sigh] Originally, it was to celebrate the birth of Christ. That's Jesus. The first part of 'Christmas' is actually Christ. But now, it's more about getting together with your family, eating, and giving presents.
Kid: But why do we celebrate the birth of Jee...Jesus?
Ma: Well, we don't, but people who follow that religion do. They believe that he is the leader and so his birthday is celebrated because it was a big deal.
Kid: Oh.

November 30, 2012 at 5:12pm

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Ashes to ashes

Lady on streetcar: Oh look, there's one of them walls where they put people's ashes after they've been cremated. We had my dad cremated, but we just laid his ashes down by my mother's feet.

September 30, 2012 at 11:17pm

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Ice Cream Flavour Idea

Guy: "...mustard-flavoured ice cream."